Friday, September 26, 2008

6 months & 2 days

It's still so surreal that:

~I have a human being living & growing inside of me.


~~Paul & I are going to be parents the end of this year or beginning of next.


~~~Cameron will be born in AZ like his daddy.


~~~~Bill won't be here physically to meet Cameron.


~~~~~We were so blessed to not have to worry about TTC (trying to conceive).




I'm very aware that getting pregnant isn't so easy. With closely knowing couples that were going through heartache TTC that I felt guilty spreading the news that we were expecting. After announcing to family/friends that I had never known to have problems revealed stories of children they lost or TTC woes that it made me again so thankful for my Cameron.




I always thought that I would never be ready to have children. My past is full of issues revolving my non-exist father & mother who treated me more like a mother figure than a daughter. That I had a fear of never being "good enough" for my future children.


I always joked that we would wait to have kids when I was ready but truly never knew when that day would come. Even while taking our vows our pastor (Uncle Jeff) had Paul recite "mother of my children" & I flashed & mouthed the #2 to our friends. The topic was always touchy with me but I never ever, ever said NO to having kids. I always said, "When GOD wants us to have kids.....we will."




Back in March I started feeling moody, tired & the pushing point was a flutter feeling in my abdomen. I went to the Dr. & explained my symptoms. He first ran a urine pregnancy test.




Negative.




I remember how insistent he was that the test was wrong I just "had" to be pregnant. So they drew my blood & tested for pregnancy. The results would be in a couple of days later.




A COUPLE OF DAY?! Within those couple of days I stalked baby boards & googled my symptoms. I kept reading "you could be pregnant if" over & over. Was I? I could have screamed from the wait then to top it off the day the results were suppose to come in......they didn't. :/ wtf? So instead of waiting around I called a friend & we met up for dinner......after dinner we picked up a home pregnancy test.




The plan was to do it in the store but I couldn't bring myself to find out whether I was preggo in Target. I love you Target but uh, no.





So I started driving home. Before going inside I wrote inside a card I bought for Paul saying how much I love him & that no matter what we went through in life I couldn't see a better person standing by my side than him(he didn't know I had the at home test or that the Dr. thought I was pregnant).






So I went inside, peed on the stick........negative.






That was a moment in life I'll forget. Visions of us having a baby quickly vanished & were instead replaced with "what does this mean? does this mean we can't have kids?" Within in those few days I would catch myself smiling at the thought of us being parents & I knew with what was a thought I'd push far back into my mind a vision that I had a taste of what could be & wanted to make it into a reality.





I still gave him the card & told him about the Dr's visit. I cried & he held me all while reminding me that we'll have children soon just not so soon. The next day I went in to see the Dr. only to hear the blood work was negative. I still cry when thinking of that moment. My Dr. suggested that my birth control (Nuva ring) had too much estrogen for my body & wanted to take me off for a month. I've been on birth control since the age of 19 so he suggested we use condoms so my body could "rest".






The symptoms went away & we went on with life.






~Traded in my truck for a more an 08 Toyota Matrix. It was more family friendly & better on gas so the decision seemed reasonable.












~~~Started running daily & climbing the trail by our house (in hopes to participate in a marathon).








Then the symptoms started again. This time felt worse. I thought that I was low on protein (which, if you're a vegetarian people will explain that you need to eat meat for protein & that if you don't you'll get sick). Holy crap they were right! So, I started mixing protein power w/my smoothies, snacking on protein bars & ate beans. BLECH. :P Finally, I was so tired daily that Paul started to worry & I made a Dr's appt. I saw my female Dr. Zapht. I love her. She's always so sweet & full of knowledge. She's also a veggie head so when I told her my concern she said that I was getting enough protein but I might be anemic. First she wanted to start with a pregnancy test. I didn't put any thought into the test. I peed in the cup & went back to the patient room. If the thought tried to sneak into my head I would push it away. The wait was only a couple of minutes but I was already falling to sleep. Literally. When the Dr. walked inside the room I was in a bit of a daze. She was all smiles & said, "well we know why you've been feeling this way." Being half asleep I said, "Oh good! What is it?"






I was pregnant.






In between sobs I kept repeating, "Paul is going to be so happy". I was shaking & couldn't believe something that I thought was so far out of my reach was now my beautiful reality.




My pregnancy so far hasn't been too rocky. I was tired in the beginning but that passed. I broke out in really bad eczema, that passed as well. Now, it's more about Cameron & picturing his beautiful face, waiting to hear his laugh & show him the world.






So now here we are, 6 months & 2 days later.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Veggie Head

I couldn't pin point the exact date I was officially a vegetarian. Over time I eliminated certain foods from my diet due to my picky ways. If I had a hamburger it had to be beyond well done it was burnt. Chicken was only good if it were a strip (deep fried) basically I didn't want to see red or veins.

My downfall started off w/under cooked meat. I had it quite a few times in a row. A co-worker suggested we go to the infamous KFC for lunch & never really gone I agreed. If I only knew...years later I'm well aware of the mistreatment of their animals not only through caging but pumping them w/steroids to get them fatter quicker. Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't stop eating meat for the sake of saving a life. On that particular day the meat was so undercooked I couldn't stand looking at another piece of chicken or beef w/out gagging. I ate fish for awhile but even that proved to be devastating. Nothing worse than mooshy salmon. :(


Fast forward to 4 years later & I still (try) to avoid meat. I say try because even though I didn't believe cravings through prenancy my Cameron is proving that old wives tale to be very true. I've had meat three times during the last 6 months. :/


Try as I might to fight the cravings I never make Paul do without. There's quite a few veggie products he loves veggie burgers, soy sausage & veggie corn dogs but my man loves the real deal. So, usually when either one of us cooks there's always a dish with or without meat to please both our taste.


Probably my 2nd or 3rd month into my pregnancy I noticed there were certain foods that I could no longer stomach that were a staple in my diet. To put it short anything fried, cheese (in large quantity, meaning no cheese sandwich from Togos) or fast food Cameron is not a fan of. It's really not so bad. I've been eating healthier (a lot of fruits) & I cook a lot more at home.



Last night I prepared one of our favorite veggie pasta dishes. This recipe introduced us to Snow Peas & honestly I can't believe it took me so long! They're beyond delicious & add a nice snap to the pasta. I found the original recipe off of Eden Organic Pasta Company's website. I don't follow the recipe exactly. For one, I don't use their pasta but I do use bow tie. It's thin enough to add taste but not take away from other flavors. I substitute Feta cheese for Parmesan & last but not least I add pine nuts. Overall it's a wonderful & easy recipe. Plus there's always extra for lunch!



For Paul's main dish I marinaded Salmon the night before. I rubbed (yup, massaged the poor lifeless thing) with fresh lemon juice, sea salt & lemon pepper. Before popping it in the oven I cut a few slits through out the top & poured the juice mixture to add more flavor. By the time I was finished w/the pasta the fish was nice & flaky.



Here's a few snapshots (camera phone :/) of last nights dinner.




Thursday, September 11, 2008

Say what you need to say

Every time I hear this song by John Mayer I can't help but sing along. I never really paid too much attention to the lyrics, I just love his voice.

With the anniversary of 9/11 & being in a somber mood I listened more & sang less.


Take all of your wasted honor.

Every little past frustration.

Take all of your so called problems, Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,

Fightin' with the shadows in your head.

Livin' up the same old moment Knowin' you'd be better off instead If you could only...

Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.

Have no fear for giving over.

You better know that in the end It's better to say too much,

than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,

And your faith is broken.

Even as the eyes are closin',

Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to,

Say what you need to...



There's an old saying (which I do not know word for word) but the essence is it only takes one rock to start a trickle. Beyond corny, I agree, but for the moment it's eerily close to the truth.


Little did I know that the call I made to my mother (who lived in L.a. at the time) warning her to take my brothers out of school (due to alerts that L.A. was next) that my little brother would now be a Military man.


He's out on his second tour right now. Jeremy pictured far right
Jeremy pictured far left
Thankfully, he's scheduled to come home this month on the 27th.


I don't have much to say. I don't know how to make his life easier, to ease the pain around the world or to even make sense about a tragedy that still hurts as if it happened this very morning but sometimes just remembering & honoring those who passed is doing far more than any words ever could.