Michael Jackson 1958-2009

I always counted myself as a Michael Jackson fan. Nothing too extreme. I didn’t have any collectibles, never went to a concert, not even a concert performed by an impersonator. Nevertheless, I was in awe of his many talents.

When I first heard he was hospitalized I logged onto TMZ (don’t judge, Harvey’s a lawyer). I was worried but glad to see he was at the hospital. Not even a few minutes later it was being said he had passed. I googled like crazy. I couldn’t believe it. Then I logged onto CNN.

:( It was true. MJ had passed. I was in disbelief. He was so young! Middle age was 25, 25! My heart still aches for the babies he leaves behind.

We’re adults. We understand that death is part of life but not them. They’re too young to have to process something so heavy as death.

On my way to pick up Cameron I turned on the radio. Listening to song after song, callers sharing their own stories & realize my own I began to cry. He was truly an icon & I’m glad he gave us hope, joy & inspiration through his music.

~ Captain EO. I rocked that t-shirt.

~ Watching Thriller with Jeremy & pretending not to freak out when he turned into a Werewolf. Then screaming out, “Don’t go in there!!!” as she entered the house.

~ Watching Thriller behind the screens over & over again.

~ His album “Invincible” takes me back to the beginning of my relationship with Paul. He played it on one of our very first dates. It was the very first cd I “borrowed” & quickly claimed as my own.

~ During my pregnancy Paul sang, “The Love You Save” by the Jackson 5 to Cameron. He often kicked while Paul sang.

~ One our last visit to Cali (while I was pregnant) my Nina & Paul sang “The Love You Save” to get Cameron moving. It was so much fun to hear them sing, my Nina clapping along & just feel the love through music. We all cried. It was a wonderful moment.

Thank you Michael. I hope there’s more moments where we remember the good you’ve done in the short time you were here.

The Love You Save

The Jackson 5

J5: stop! nanana! you’d better save it!

Stop, stop, stop, you’d better save it!

Michael: when we played tag in grade school

You wanted to be it.

But chasing boys was just a fad

You crossed your heart you’d quit.

When we grew up you traded

Your promise for my ring

Now just like back to grade school

You’re doing the same old thing!

Chorus:Stop! the love you save may be your own!

Darling, take it slow

Or someday you’ll be all alone.

You’d better stop the love you save may be your own!

Darling, look both ways before you cross me

You’re headed for the danger zone.

Michael: I’m the one who loves you!

I’m the one you need!

Jermaine: those other guys will put you down

As soon as they succeed!

Michael: they’ll ruin your reputation!

They’ll label you a flirt!

Jermaine: the way they talk about you

They’ll turn your name to dirt, oh!

Michael: Isaac said he kissed you

Beneath the apple tree

When benjie held your hand he felt

E-lec-tri-ci-tee!

When alexander called you

He said he rang your chimes.

Christopher discovered

You’re way ahead of your times!

J5: slow down.Slow down.Slow down.Slow down.

Michael:S is for save it

T is for take it slow

O is for oh, no!

P is for please, please, don’t go!

Jermaine: the love you save may be your own...

Michael: some day you may be all alone...

Jermaine: stop it!Michael: save it, girl!

Jermaine: or someday you’ll be all alone.

Michael: you’d better stop! the love you save may be your own!

Jermaine: please, pleaseOr some day, some day baby,

You’ll be all alone

Those other guys will put you down as soon as they succeed.

Michael: stop! the love you save may be your own...

He can't have what?

You have got to be kidding me.

So today was Cameron’s two month check up. For the past week or so I’ve been anxious for this day. I wasn’t sure how he would react to the shots, how I would react to the shots, searched online on what to expect (examines) I even asked friend & made up a list of questions to ask Dr. Chiles. But nothing, nothing could have prepared me for what happened today.
First off, Cameron is wonderfully fine. His head circumference is 39.1 (25% average), 23 ¼ inches long (little above 50%) & 11.5 lbs (50% mr. chunka cheese). He was a bit upset when they injected the first shot but he cried the most 20 mins into the appt when hunger stroke. Again, adorable, growing, perfect, chunka cheese, my love.

First we met with Dr. Chiles who assessed Cameron & answered my very few, itty bitty questions. Then he stared going over the vaccines Cameron would receive that day. Dtap (Diptheria, Tetanus & Acellular Petussis), Hepatitis B which included HIB (haemophilus Influenza Type B) & IPV (inactivated Polio Vaccine). Then he began to disclose that “routinely” they would also administer Prevnar (Pneumococcal 7-Valent Conjugate Vaccine) & Rotavirus (live oral vaccine) however due to the rising cost of these vaccines insurance companies were no longer covering the cost & the supply is limited so the only patient that is being offered are government assisted patients. He would advise parents to take their children to clinics to recieve the two but they haven't been available since Dec. '08.

What.the.fuck.

I know Medical is beyond distorted right now. That’s one of the many reasons that American (including myself) voted for President Obama in hopes of a brighter future for not only ourselves but our children. But I had no idea, no idea, how nearly next to impossible it is to receive medical insurance regardless whether you pay for it (monthly) or not.

After I delivered Cameron, Paul & I went into a whirlwind of questions of how we would chose insurance. Sure, you’re probably thinking “wouldn’t you have this completed before having the baby?” but please keep in mind, Cameron was due January 14th & born December 27th. SURPRISE!

Thankfully the hospital sent in a kind staff member who helped us apply for DES. At the time we didn’t quite understand or listen correctly. We were informed Access is a form of insurance for children only. The amount paid per month varied because they went off of your income.
Which turns out is a bunch of b.s. DES is a government aided program for lower incomed familes. Which is great. That’s fantastic for people who truly, honestly need help. We however are not a lower income family which of course meant that we were not approved. We were also not approved for food stamps or W.I.C. (wtf?! She did not tell us we were applying for that either). I would also like to add that the reason I found out we were denied, I called their main office to see the status on our application (which we were suppose to receive a week prior) because I was concerned that Cameron was sick. They then informed me we were denied (uh thanks) & they forwarded our information to Access. I was told to contact Access, explain that my child was sick so they would “speed” up the paper work.

I called Access only to find out that:
1. They never received our paperwork.

2. We made too much.

3. Cameron would have to go 3 months (What.the.fuck) 3 months without insurance before they would even review our paperwork.

For the first 30 days my insurance covered Cameron. What a wonderful blessing for us. We were able to go straight to Dr. Chiles office for an immediate follow up visit days after he was born & he was able to get his One month check up. Well, that was a huge DENIED stamp in the eyes of ACCESS. The Customer service rep that I was on the phone with explained that if I applied for Access while I was pregnant I would have been automatically approved (how or why is beyond me). So I asked word for word, “so if I would have taken advantage of the system , dropped my insurance even though I could afford it…..my son would have medical insurance today.”

Yes.

She answered yes.

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

I cried. I couldn’t talk to her because all I heard was my baby didn’t have insurance. He was sick & I didn’t know what to do. I went online that day & started searching for medical coverage. The monthly payments were insane. INSANE! We couldn’t add him to our policy because our monthly went up almost $400 & it didn’t look too much better elsewhere. Then we found a plan that we “kinda” like & thought hey we’ll just use this one until we can find another. Not only did we not love the plan but it wouldn’t start until 30 days after our application. Oh my god, this was a nightmare. I finally found HumanOne. Their coverage was perfect, affordable & it had Dr. Chiles in their network. The cherry on top was they would start his insurance after his 2 month check up. WOO HOO! This might sound ludicrous to those who don’t have to go through this bullshit but it was like angels singing. My baby was getting insurance!

I ended up taking him to the Dr. when I suspected he was sick (ended up having a cold that cleared up a few days after our appt). We just had to pay out of pocket. Which didn’t turn out so bad considering the bill was $45 & our co-pay is $35 (sick, I know).

Since day one we’ve had nothing but trouble with insurance. So to be in the dr.’s office & hear him say my child would not receive two vaccines I panicked. No. There’s no way he’s going without. I’ve been through too much shit trying to find insurance & going through hell when he was sick & not knowing where to take him to get checked. To much shit, this was not happening. My head was spinning as he went over why we weren’t getting the vaccines & I just interrupted mid-sentence “we’re paying ourselves, we don’t have insurance, we’re paying ourselves. Does that mean we can get it?”

It did mean we could get them. All at once I was relieved & felt sick to my stomach. What the hell was going on? What about the other children with insurance? They’re not getting the vaccines. What’s going to happen with them? I mean, they give out these vaccines for a reason. There’s a disease, a preventative is found & administered to avoid disease. It all felt like a movie.

I Am Legend.

I cried when the people who were “denied” screamed for mercy after being scanned as “contaminated”.

Now, I am one of those screaming people.

Where are you Christmas?

I literally heard this song for the first time the other day.....& cried.

It may not have been the first time I heard the song but it definitely hit home. I've known since October that we wouldn't be able to drive out to Cali for the holidays. I guess in the back of my mind I thought family would drive out to us but in reality that would be insane. So here we are, 8 days away from Christmas & not only did we leave our decorations in Paul’s car (which is currently in Cali) but along w/all the decorations we left behind our stockings. :( As pathetic as these little things may seem they sure do take a toll.

Thankfully the holiday spirit finally got a hold of me, shook me like a rag doll until I realized how truly blessed I am.

My family & friends are healthy.

We have a warm home to go to.

My brother is on leave & home for the holidays.

My dogs give the best "welcome home!!! where the heck have you been?! did you know I can do this *dances in the air, throws toy across the living room, runs from one room to the next?!!!!!* reaction that anyone could ask for.

We have a stable job. Yes, our hours have been cut but it can always be worse.

& the best part of all? This time next year we'll be celebrating with Cameron.

Yes, that last thought should always come to mind when I'm feeling down but I'm human & I have my weak moments.

For the past couple of years Paul & I have gone to see the infamous Christmas display in Rancho Cucamonga with my two younger cousins, Kira & Jacob. This would be the first year w/out seeing these two faces Ooo & drool over every hot chocolate, churro, tamale, blinking santa sold at every other house.

We were always mistaken for their parents but we are far luckier than my aunt & uncle. We spoiled them rotten, dropped them off w/a sugar high & at the end of the night we’re the good guys. ;)

So this year we went to Tempe Lake to see a boat show. It was fun to see how people decorated their boats & even some canoes with Christmas lights. But what really caught my attention were the children. They were having so much fun. It was truly bittersweet. I caught myself wishing Kira & Jacob could have been there but knowing that's going to be my little Cameron next year made me smile.

Since I found out I was pregnant I've been writing in a journal for Cameron. A few days after Thanksgiving I wrote that the complex we’re staying at put a flyer on our door asking for toy donations for their Toy for Tots drive. I thought that this would be a nice tradition to start & in the following years Cameron can chose the gift to give him a better understanding of the true meaning of Christmas. So this year we picked out a Littlest Pet Shop……thing. I don’t know much about the “rooms” or editions. I just know Paul’s niece loves them so I figured we couldn’t go wrong. Even though it was nice to participate I would have liked to know who the toy went to. Hopefully whoever she is enjoys her little pets.

Then after work last night we went to the local mall. Weird how we haven’t been to a mall since moving out here (a crime I tell ya). On a quest for new shoes for Mr. Paul we passed by a booth for The Salvation Army. Beside the booth were two Christmas trees adorned with tags labeled Christmas Angels. Each tag had a childs name, age, sex, clothing sizes & a short list of toys they’d like to receive. I can’t remember my age but when I was younger my mom use to receive assistance from the Salvation Army. Mainly for food but I couldn’t help reliving those moments we would drive down to pick up our boxes of donated food. As odd as it may seem I don’t know the last time I thought about those times.

I knew I wanted to pick a name. The people who donated to our family didn’t know us. Without those giving hearts who knows what we would have done for Thanksgiving dinner or dinner of any kind for that matter.

It didn’t take much but reading aloud a child & their wants to Paul before he was on board too. Since we already gave a toy that was girl appropriate we decided we would search for a boy. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were there for over an hour. It was really overwhelming reading each card & trying to decide who we would pick. I mean really? Who are we to say that this child is more in need than the next? I don’t’ know why but every once in awhile we would read a list out loud & either laugh (they’re so darn cute) or say aww (ok the aww was more me but Paul would politely smile). After our long search Paul finally found our boy. He’s a 9 year old boy named Manuel. His list of toy wants included race car or Lego’s, or other building toys or games.

He had me at Lego’s.

My cousin use to have this travel case full of Lego’s & whenever I would go down to visit I made a bee line straight to the case. I built for hours & I don’t know if my mom couldn’t afford Lego’s or because my brothers were so much younger & might choke on them but I never got Lego’s. The appreciation for them went farther than playing with my cousins. K-mart at the time had a Lego’s play station where the parents left their kids to build while they shopped. Needless to say shopping at K-mart was a huge highlight of my childhood. Not only because of the Lego’s but because I always went with my grandma.

Since we left with the “ornament” I catch myself thinking about Manuel & wondering what he looks like. How does he dress? Would he want a sweater too? A new pair of jeans? I mean toys are a must but what about a tee saying “I love legos!” hee hee ok that may be a bit too much.

Times are hard right now. Paul & I have been bargain shopping & even gave each other a budget this year. But we didn’t hesitate to do with out or stretch our dollars even further for this little boy.

Even though the pamphlets state that “you’re an angel to these children” Manuel is truly my angel. Thank you Manuel for bringing the true meaning of Christmas back into my heart & thank you to the Salvation Army for giving me the opportunity to bring Christmas into Manuel’s home. We look forward to searching for a name again next year with Cameron. :)

Not quite sure what to title this...

In my head I always think, " oh I should really blog about this moment" especially with the move, holidays & all around getting ready/bigger for Cameron to arrive excitement.

This wasn't necessarily an exciting moment & I really didn't put much thought into blogging about it during the time, but to be perfectly honest, I cant' stop reliving this past Friday. Now, before I go on I want to make it's perfectly clear that I'm doing great & Cameron is a healthy bouncing, kicking, jabbing, hiccuping baby boy in my tummy.

This past Friday was my appt. with (whom I love) Dr. Jarem. I made it for first thing in the morning.

Pros: It's easier to get errands done.

Cons: I have to get up early on my day off.

Since I (of course) got up late we arrived a bit late which meant no breakfast. So as soon as we walked out the door Cameron was kicking me non-stop to protest. I made the mistake of peeing before leaving so by the time we were at the drs. I had to somehow produce a decent amount of pee. So I sat & sat & sat on the toilet la, la, la, streaming rivers, gushing waterfalls none of these images were helping me. Then I heard a noise coming from another room. It sounded like laughter.

So my thoughts trailed off because I thought, "awww they're probably in the u/s room looking at their baby!" which instantly made me think of our latest u/s & how Cameron looked so peaceful & perfect. That little brat wouldn't move his hands for us! I can't wait until our next u/s. I won't eat breakfast because he will not stop moving!.......then my train of thoughts were broken by another sound.

Crying.

Crying? No....no, more like wailing. What the heck? Then it hit me......they were never laughing. She's crying.....echoes of her cries stabbed me every time & finally I just left the bathroom & went out to the waiting room. I sat there for about 3 seconds before turning to Paul & asking about the other young couple that was waiting before us.

Did they just go in?

Did they leave?

He didn't notice & asked why. By that time I was crying. I couldn't hold it in anymore & I could barely talk. "Someone lost their baby." It was haunting to say these words. "Some girl kept crying & asking what did she do wrong....." Just typing out what happened that day makes it hard to breathe.

I dont' really see myself as a naive. I know these things happen. Why? Now, that much I don't know. I"m a nervous/paranoid/will think the worst for every situation type of person. At every appt. I hold my breathe until they find the heartbeat & I get nervous before every u/s but I never once thought that this could truly be a place where mom & dads to be might just found out they've lost their baby. Not that it's full of rainbows & butterflys but it was an illusion that I had. Whenever we waited for our names to be called I just saw round bellies & smiles.

As we were called by the nurse to come into our room she kept asking if I was ok. I didn't really want to talk about what I heard or discuss what the girl was going through so I said I was fine & made a joke about Cameron (eh I joke when uncomfortable). As we sat in our room & waited we heard her crying & asking again & again what did she do wrong.

I wanted to give her a hug. To tell her it wasn't her fault. To tell her that I hope she finds peace soon. To magically say what she needed to hear to make this horrible moment in her life disappear. But try as I might I'd never be able to do that for her. I even thought about writing her a note....But what would that do? I can't bring back her baby. I can't make the drs. perform a miracle or ease her heart.

I never saw or met the girl before we left. But I've carried her with me since that day. I've thought about her when looking at Christmas lights (Christmas won't be the same for her), looking at pregnant woman on the street, walking into Cameron's room (she could toss or hid her baby's things but would that help?), even joking w/Paul about responses from strangers about Cameron's name (it's a long story) was bitter sweet because well, at least we were still fortunate to be asked.

Every cramp, every tired moment, every hot flash, every sore body part.......no matter how bad it may seem at the end of the day I am blessed. I am blessed to be a part of these discomforts & with every "hello" kick I receive from Cameron I know that I will never look into his eyes & think he wasn't worth every part of it.

Even though we never met I will never forget her & will pray that when she's ready realizes she did nothing wrong.

Christmas survey

I should probably blog this after Thanksgiving...eh.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper if I'm being nice. Bags if I'm being lazy.

2. Real tree or Artificial? After Pauls "allergy" mysteriously disappeared we went from fake to real.

3. When do you put up the tree? I'd say 2 weeks before Christmas.

4. When do you take the tree down? When our floor is covered w/dead needles.

5. Do you like eggnog? Ew no.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I remember singing "I've got the power!" after opening my TMNT Nintendo video game.

7. Hardest person to buy for? So far this year I'd have to say my Uncle Paul & Nino.

8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Lol I'd rather not say.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? I will stop dead in my tracks when The Christmas Story is playing.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I get that "oh shit" moment & realize Christmas is right around the corner.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? That's so evil. I should have. Hee hee

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Aw man. I'm going to miss being home. L

16. Lights on the tree? Yup.

17. Favorite Christmas song? I like a lot of them.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yup.

20. Angel on the treetop, star or…? Star.

21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning? Well usually it goes Christmas Eve-Eve for Paul & I to open gifts. Christmas Eve w/brothers & Christmas w/family.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Trying to find the "perfect" gift.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Our tree is red with silver but I don't really have a favorite. My aunt collects santa claus ornaments. It looks nice but that would freak me out.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? :( Paul is stuck w/my cooking this year. Poor Paul.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A glider w/ottoman.

26. Most favorite Christmas Tradition? Opening presents on Christmas eve-eve & eve. I really like baking & going to see the lights. But I don't know if those are traditions.

Shy?

How can my child be shy?

So far his personality has resembled more of his daddy. First with my weird meat cravings (where I come close to slapping anyone who questions them) & super sweet tooth (I could go months with out a sweet & now I substitute meals with a huge bowl of ice cream) so why, why my dear sweet child do you take on a characteristic that is the complete opposite of your daddy?

Shy? Oh no. He's stubborn.

Stubborn just like his mother. Greeeeeeat...

On Friday we had another appt. with our new Dr. Jarem. She's a sweetheart. Answered all our questions even if the answers weren't what I wanted to hear (no driving home for Christmas boo!) & informed us that Cameron is healthy with a new due date of January 14th.

We were pleasantly surprised when the ultra sound tech told us we would be able to view Cameron via 3D. Unfortunately 99% of the time he was covering his face. :(

This is his profile....hidden w/his hands.

But for that 1% we were able to see his gorgeous face. :)

If you're a bit lost. No worries. :) Here's a little map that might help you out.

In the picture he's sucking but we were able to see his lips later on. They're really full just like mommy & daddys! It was so much fun seeing a part of us already visibly a part of Cameron.

Even though we won't be able to go "home" for Christmas I can already see that he's worth it.

I'm alive!

& have been reborn as an Arizonian.

We're still settling in our new place. Most boxes are unpacked it's all about the organizing & decorating now.


Since we arrived we've:


*Found a fab new place to eat Carrabba's. It's Italian & the tomato soup (which is not the name off the menu) is to die for.


**Had our first appt. w/our new OBGYN. The staff was very inviting, informative & they even gave us a gift diaper bag full of pamplets regarding care for the baby, ourselves & the hospital we've chosen, prenatal pills, formula & coupons. It was really sweet.



***Took & have been taking the poops to Cosmo Park every Friday. So far it's been a hit! Oscar loves running up the obstacle course & Sadie loves finding people who are willing to play catch w/her. We recently found out that Cosmo park is named for Gilbert's first police dog, Cosmo van Blitsaerd.



****I had my first melt down on Friday. It was bound to happen. :p



*****The day after our Internet was up & running I decided to do this to our laptop. :(



******With all the extra time I have w/out being on the Internet I made this sweet find. :)

But at the end of the day.......I'm a California girl at heart. :)