In my head I always think, " oh I should really blog about this moment" especially with the move, holidays & all around getting ready/bigger for Cameron to arrive excitement.
This wasn't necessarily an exciting moment & I really didn't put much thought into blogging about it during the time, but to be perfectly honest, I cant' stop reliving this past Friday. Now, before I go on I want to make it's perfectly clear that I'm doing great & Cameron is a healthy bouncing, kicking, jabbing, hiccuping baby boy in my tummy.
This past Friday was my appt. with (whom I love) Dr. Jarem. I made it for first thing in the morning.
Pros: It's easier to get errands done.
Cons: I have to get up early on my day off.
Since I (of course) got up late we arrived a bit late which meant no breakfast. So as soon as we walked out the door Cameron was kicking me non-stop to protest. I made the mistake of peeing before leaving so by the time we were at the drs. I had to somehow produce a decent amount of pee. So I sat & sat & sat on the toilet la, la, la, streaming rivers, gushing waterfalls none of these images were helping me. Then I heard a noise coming from another room. It sounded like laughter.
So my thoughts trailed off because I thought, "awww they're probably in the u/s room looking at their baby!" which instantly made me think of our latest u/s & how Cameron looked so peaceful & perfect. That little brat wouldn't move his hands for us! I can't wait until our next u/s. I won't eat breakfast because he will not stop moving!.......then my train of thoughts were broken by another sound.
Crying.
Crying? No....no, more like wailing. What the heck? Then it hit me......they were never laughing. She's crying.....echoes of her cries stabbed me every time & finally I just left the bathroom & went out to the waiting room. I sat there for about 3 seconds before turning to Paul & asking about the other young couple that was waiting before us.
Did they just go in?
Did they leave?
He didn't notice & asked why. By that time I was crying. I couldn't hold it in anymore & I could barely talk. "Someone lost their baby." It was haunting to say these words. "Some girl kept crying & asking what did she do wrong....." Just typing out what happened that day makes it hard to breathe.
I dont' really see myself as a naive. I know these things happen. Why? Now, that much I don't know. I"m a nervous/paranoid/will think the worst for every situation type of person. At every appt. I hold my breathe until they find the heartbeat & I get nervous before every u/s but I never once thought that this could truly be a place where mom & dads to be might just found out they've lost their baby. Not that it's full of rainbows & butterflys but it was an illusion that I had. Whenever we waited for our names to be called I just saw round bellies & smiles.
As we were called by the nurse to come into our room she kept asking if I was ok. I didn't really want to talk about what I heard or discuss what the girl was going through so I said I was fine & made a joke about Cameron (eh I joke when uncomfortable). As we sat in our room & waited we heard her crying & asking again & again what did she do wrong.
I wanted to give her a hug. To tell her it wasn't her fault. To tell her that I hope she finds peace soon. To magically say what she needed to hear to make this horrible moment in her life disappear. But try as I might I'd never be able to do that for her. I even thought about writing her a note....But what would that do? I can't bring back her baby. I can't make the drs. perform a miracle or ease her heart.
I never saw or met the girl before we left. But I've carried her with me since that day. I've thought about her when looking at Christmas lights (Christmas won't be the same for her), looking at pregnant woman on the street, walking into Cameron's room (she could toss or hid her baby's things but would that help?), even joking w/Paul about responses from strangers about Cameron's name (it's a long story) was bitter sweet because well, at least we were still fortunate to be asked.
Every cramp, every tired moment, every hot flash, every sore body part.......no matter how bad it may seem at the end of the day I am blessed. I am blessed to be a part of these discomforts & with every "hello" kick I receive from Cameron I know that I will never look into his eyes & think he wasn't worth every part of it.
Even though we never met I will never forget her & will pray that when she's ready realizes she did nothing wrong.
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12 comments:
This is a great post, and I can't (and don't want to) imagine how horrible it must be to experience the loss of a child. It's something that could happen to any one of us, and I don't think we really realize it until we have experiences like the one you had. I really feel for that poor woman and her husband. :(
And as lucky as you are to have Cameron, he's equally lucky to have you.
I felt the same way when I was pregnant...my lil sis worked in an ob/gyn office for the first few months of my pregnancy and she told me about a woman who came in to find out the sex of her baby only to discover she had lost it
:( I was thankful for every day Bella was in their, even when I was miserable (hot and huge) I knew how lucky we were. I can't even imagine what that feels like. Just rub that belly and know that every kick, punch and flippy is a lil message that says "hey, it's all good in here." <3
I'm sure I would of done the same as you-just cry for this woman. I've had 2 friends miscarry in the last month and I don;t know what to tell them or how to comfort them. I just go home thank go for Isabel and for Joaquin.
Oh geez. Make a girl cry. So sad.
How so, very sad :(
Oh this is so very sad. That poor woman. My heart hurts for her.
So, so sad. I agree and hope that she realizes that this is not her fault. I can't even imagine what she's going through.
How awful for that woman to lose her baby. I feel so much for her. I would never want that for any woman. I seem to be more cognizant of that now that I am expecting.
:( Oh so sad.
So sad. I feel for that woman. It helps to put everything into perspective.
Aww Brandy, this is so sad. I have a huge knot in my throat, I hope she does realize some day that it was not her fault and that somehow finds peace.
I have been a bad blog commentor! I'm still reading though. Sorry you had to hear that happen. That is so sad. They should probably make the walls thicker!
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