Where are you Christmas?

I literally heard this song for the first time the other day.....& cried.

It may not have been the first time I heard the song but it definitely hit home. I've known since October that we wouldn't be able to drive out to Cali for the holidays. I guess in the back of my mind I thought family would drive out to us but in reality that would be insane. So here we are, 8 days away from Christmas & not only did we leave our decorations in Paul’s car (which is currently in Cali) but along w/all the decorations we left behind our stockings. :( As pathetic as these little things may seem they sure do take a toll.

Thankfully the holiday spirit finally got a hold of me, shook me like a rag doll until I realized how truly blessed I am.

My family & friends are healthy.

We have a warm home to go to.

My brother is on leave & home for the holidays.

My dogs give the best "welcome home!!! where the heck have you been?! did you know I can do this *dances in the air, throws toy across the living room, runs from one room to the next?!!!!!* reaction that anyone could ask for.

We have a stable job. Yes, our hours have been cut but it can always be worse.

& the best part of all? This time next year we'll be celebrating with Cameron.

Yes, that last thought should always come to mind when I'm feeling down but I'm human & I have my weak moments.

For the past couple of years Paul & I have gone to see the infamous Christmas display in Rancho Cucamonga with my two younger cousins, Kira & Jacob. This would be the first year w/out seeing these two faces Ooo & drool over every hot chocolate, churro, tamale, blinking santa sold at every other house.

We were always mistaken for their parents but we are far luckier than my aunt & uncle. We spoiled them rotten, dropped them off w/a sugar high & at the end of the night we’re the good guys. ;)

So this year we went to Tempe Lake to see a boat show. It was fun to see how people decorated their boats & even some canoes with Christmas lights. But what really caught my attention were the children. They were having so much fun. It was truly bittersweet. I caught myself wishing Kira & Jacob could have been there but knowing that's going to be my little Cameron next year made me smile.

Since I found out I was pregnant I've been writing in a journal for Cameron. A few days after Thanksgiving I wrote that the complex we’re staying at put a flyer on our door asking for toy donations for their Toy for Tots drive. I thought that this would be a nice tradition to start & in the following years Cameron can chose the gift to give him a better understanding of the true meaning of Christmas. So this year we picked out a Littlest Pet Shop……thing. I don’t know much about the “rooms” or editions. I just know Paul’s niece loves them so I figured we couldn’t go wrong. Even though it was nice to participate I would have liked to know who the toy went to. Hopefully whoever she is enjoys her little pets.

Then after work last night we went to the local mall. Weird how we haven’t been to a mall since moving out here (a crime I tell ya). On a quest for new shoes for Mr. Paul we passed by a booth for The Salvation Army. Beside the booth were two Christmas trees adorned with tags labeled Christmas Angels. Each tag had a childs name, age, sex, clothing sizes & a short list of toys they’d like to receive. I can’t remember my age but when I was younger my mom use to receive assistance from the Salvation Army. Mainly for food but I couldn’t help reliving those moments we would drive down to pick up our boxes of donated food. As odd as it may seem I don’t know the last time I thought about those times.

I knew I wanted to pick a name. The people who donated to our family didn’t know us. Without those giving hearts who knows what we would have done for Thanksgiving dinner or dinner of any kind for that matter.

It didn’t take much but reading aloud a child & their wants to Paul before he was on board too. Since we already gave a toy that was girl appropriate we decided we would search for a boy. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were there for over an hour. It was really overwhelming reading each card & trying to decide who we would pick. I mean really? Who are we to say that this child is more in need than the next? I don’t’ know why but every once in awhile we would read a list out loud & either laugh (they’re so darn cute) or say aww (ok the aww was more me but Paul would politely smile). After our long search Paul finally found our boy. He’s a 9 year old boy named Manuel. His list of toy wants included race car or Lego’s, or other building toys or games.

He had me at Lego’s.

My cousin use to have this travel case full of Lego’s & whenever I would go down to visit I made a bee line straight to the case. I built for hours & I don’t know if my mom couldn’t afford Lego’s or because my brothers were so much younger & might choke on them but I never got Lego’s. The appreciation for them went farther than playing with my cousins. K-mart at the time had a Lego’s play station where the parents left their kids to build while they shopped. Needless to say shopping at K-mart was a huge highlight of my childhood. Not only because of the Lego’s but because I always went with my grandma.

Since we left with the “ornament” I catch myself thinking about Manuel & wondering what he looks like. How does he dress? Would he want a sweater too? A new pair of jeans? I mean toys are a must but what about a tee saying “I love legos!” hee hee ok that may be a bit too much.

Times are hard right now. Paul & I have been bargain shopping & even gave each other a budget this year. But we didn’t hesitate to do with out or stretch our dollars even further for this little boy.

Even though the pamphlets state that “you’re an angel to these children” Manuel is truly my angel. Thank you Manuel for bringing the true meaning of Christmas back into my heart & thank you to the Salvation Army for giving me the opportunity to bring Christmas into Manuel’s home. We look forward to searching for a name again next year with Cameron. :)

Not quite sure what to title this...

In my head I always think, " oh I should really blog about this moment" especially with the move, holidays & all around getting ready/bigger for Cameron to arrive excitement.

This wasn't necessarily an exciting moment & I really didn't put much thought into blogging about it during the time, but to be perfectly honest, I cant' stop reliving this past Friday. Now, before I go on I want to make it's perfectly clear that I'm doing great & Cameron is a healthy bouncing, kicking, jabbing, hiccuping baby boy in my tummy.

This past Friday was my appt. with (whom I love) Dr. Jarem. I made it for first thing in the morning.

Pros: It's easier to get errands done.

Cons: I have to get up early on my day off.

Since I (of course) got up late we arrived a bit late which meant no breakfast. So as soon as we walked out the door Cameron was kicking me non-stop to protest. I made the mistake of peeing before leaving so by the time we were at the drs. I had to somehow produce a decent amount of pee. So I sat & sat & sat on the toilet la, la, la, streaming rivers, gushing waterfalls none of these images were helping me. Then I heard a noise coming from another room. It sounded like laughter.

So my thoughts trailed off because I thought, "awww they're probably in the u/s room looking at their baby!" which instantly made me think of our latest u/s & how Cameron looked so peaceful & perfect. That little brat wouldn't move his hands for us! I can't wait until our next u/s. I won't eat breakfast because he will not stop moving!.......then my train of thoughts were broken by another sound.

Crying.

Crying? No....no, more like wailing. What the heck? Then it hit me......they were never laughing. She's crying.....echoes of her cries stabbed me every time & finally I just left the bathroom & went out to the waiting room. I sat there for about 3 seconds before turning to Paul & asking about the other young couple that was waiting before us.

Did they just go in?

Did they leave?

He didn't notice & asked why. By that time I was crying. I couldn't hold it in anymore & I could barely talk. "Someone lost their baby." It was haunting to say these words. "Some girl kept crying & asking what did she do wrong....." Just typing out what happened that day makes it hard to breathe.

I dont' really see myself as a naive. I know these things happen. Why? Now, that much I don't know. I"m a nervous/paranoid/will think the worst for every situation type of person. At every appt. I hold my breathe until they find the heartbeat & I get nervous before every u/s but I never once thought that this could truly be a place where mom & dads to be might just found out they've lost their baby. Not that it's full of rainbows & butterflys but it was an illusion that I had. Whenever we waited for our names to be called I just saw round bellies & smiles.

As we were called by the nurse to come into our room she kept asking if I was ok. I didn't really want to talk about what I heard or discuss what the girl was going through so I said I was fine & made a joke about Cameron (eh I joke when uncomfortable). As we sat in our room & waited we heard her crying & asking again & again what did she do wrong.

I wanted to give her a hug. To tell her it wasn't her fault. To tell her that I hope she finds peace soon. To magically say what she needed to hear to make this horrible moment in her life disappear. But try as I might I'd never be able to do that for her. I even thought about writing her a note....But what would that do? I can't bring back her baby. I can't make the drs. perform a miracle or ease her heart.

I never saw or met the girl before we left. But I've carried her with me since that day. I've thought about her when looking at Christmas lights (Christmas won't be the same for her), looking at pregnant woman on the street, walking into Cameron's room (she could toss or hid her baby's things but would that help?), even joking w/Paul about responses from strangers about Cameron's name (it's a long story) was bitter sweet because well, at least we were still fortunate to be asked.

Every cramp, every tired moment, every hot flash, every sore body part.......no matter how bad it may seem at the end of the day I am blessed. I am blessed to be a part of these discomforts & with every "hello" kick I receive from Cameron I know that I will never look into his eyes & think he wasn't worth every part of it.

Even though we never met I will never forget her & will pray that when she's ready realizes she did nothing wrong.

Christmas survey

I should probably blog this after Thanksgiving...eh.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper if I'm being nice. Bags if I'm being lazy.

2. Real tree or Artificial? After Pauls "allergy" mysteriously disappeared we went from fake to real.

3. When do you put up the tree? I'd say 2 weeks before Christmas.

4. When do you take the tree down? When our floor is covered w/dead needles.

5. Do you like eggnog? Ew no.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I remember singing "I've got the power!" after opening my TMNT Nintendo video game.

7. Hardest person to buy for? So far this year I'd have to say my Uncle Paul & Nino.

8. Easiest person to buy for? Myself.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Lol I'd rather not say.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? I will stop dead in my tracks when The Christmas Story is playing.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I get that "oh shit" moment & realize Christmas is right around the corner.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? That's so evil. I should have. Hee hee

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Aw man. I'm going to miss being home. L

16. Lights on the tree? Yup.

17. Favorite Christmas song? I like a lot of them.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yup.

20. Angel on the treetop, star or…? Star.

21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning? Well usually it goes Christmas Eve-Eve for Paul & I to open gifts. Christmas Eve w/brothers & Christmas w/family.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Trying to find the "perfect" gift.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Our tree is red with silver but I don't really have a favorite. My aunt collects santa claus ornaments. It looks nice but that would freak me out.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? :( Paul is stuck w/my cooking this year. Poor Paul.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A glider w/ottoman.

26. Most favorite Christmas Tradition? Opening presents on Christmas eve-eve & eve. I really like baking & going to see the lights. But I don't know if those are traditions.

Shy?

How can my child be shy?

So far his personality has resembled more of his daddy. First with my weird meat cravings (where I come close to slapping anyone who questions them) & super sweet tooth (I could go months with out a sweet & now I substitute meals with a huge bowl of ice cream) so why, why my dear sweet child do you take on a characteristic that is the complete opposite of your daddy?

Shy? Oh no. He's stubborn.

Stubborn just like his mother. Greeeeeeat...

On Friday we had another appt. with our new Dr. Jarem. She's a sweetheart. Answered all our questions even if the answers weren't what I wanted to hear (no driving home for Christmas boo!) & informed us that Cameron is healthy with a new due date of January 14th.

We were pleasantly surprised when the ultra sound tech told us we would be able to view Cameron via 3D. Unfortunately 99% of the time he was covering his face. :(

This is his profile....hidden w/his hands.

But for that 1% we were able to see his gorgeous face. :)

If you're a bit lost. No worries. :) Here's a little map that might help you out.

In the picture he's sucking but we were able to see his lips later on. They're really full just like mommy & daddys! It was so much fun seeing a part of us already visibly a part of Cameron.

Even though we won't be able to go "home" for Christmas I can already see that he's worth it.

I'm alive!

& have been reborn as an Arizonian.

We're still settling in our new place. Most boxes are unpacked it's all about the organizing & decorating now.


Since we arrived we've:


*Found a fab new place to eat Carrabba's. It's Italian & the tomato soup (which is not the name off the menu) is to die for.


**Had our first appt. w/our new OBGYN. The staff was very inviting, informative & they even gave us a gift diaper bag full of pamplets regarding care for the baby, ourselves & the hospital we've chosen, prenatal pills, formula & coupons. It was really sweet.



***Took & have been taking the poops to Cosmo Park every Friday. So far it's been a hit! Oscar loves running up the obstacle course & Sadie loves finding people who are willing to play catch w/her. We recently found out that Cosmo park is named for Gilbert's first police dog, Cosmo van Blitsaerd.



****I had my first melt down on Friday. It was bound to happen. :p



*****The day after our Internet was up & running I decided to do this to our laptop. :(



******With all the extra time I have w/out being on the Internet I made this sweet find. :)

But at the end of the day.......I'm a California girl at heart. :)

Tick, tick, tick goes the clock

When I found out that I was pregnant there were enough questions, concerns, emotions to figure out. Then came the doozy....I had to find a new Dr.

I cried over finding a new Dr. I've had the same Dr. since before I met Paul & now I had to start fresh. Then to top if off I only had two Drs to chose from....after I stopped crying on the phone w/my provider I finally decided on Dr. Samudio.

She has been nothing but heaven sent. Not only does she answer all of our questions/concerns but when we talk to her it's more like spending time with a close friend or family then a Dr. Throughout my pregnancy Paul missed one appt. & she made it clear that was a no-no. ;) I think that made us closer to her. Just knowing that she cared enough to be honest with us & help us in any way she could. She even snuck us in for an extra ultrasound to see our Cameron & hugged us on each visit.

I'll miss a lot when we leave Cali but Dr. Samudio will always be in my top 5. She even requested that we keep in touch (as if she got rid of us that quickly!) & wanted to stay in the know about Cameron.

It's that time of year again...

We headed out to Petsmart last night for the pet costume contest.

I'm lame & didn't take pictures of the other contestants because:



1. We have a camcorder now.



2. Sadie would not stop whimpering for her ball.



3. Oscar would stop walking every 2 seconds because the sleeves on his costume were too long.



4. Let's be honest. The other animals weren't nearly as cute as our babies.



Enjoy the pics!

Happy Howl-o-ween from Sadie

And the rest of the Jackson crew

P.s. Yes that's a picture of a picture. Bite me.

Jeremy & Nikita

This past Wednesday Jeremy & Nikita renewed their vows. Last year after returning from his first tour to Iraq they eloped on May 31, 2007. Needless to say I wasn't too thrilled about missing my brothers own wedding (court or not). :(

I was beyond happy when they not only announced they would marry at The Flamingo in Las Vegas but I was asked to be a part of the bridal party as well. Over the past few years I've had a chance to get to know Nikita & we became closer after his second tour. It was fun helping & being a part of the planning. A dress was finally agreed on for the bridal party & I ordered it online 2 sizes bigger than what I normally wore pre-pregnancy. All I have to say is thank goodness the wedding was NOW. I thought I'd have to take it in.....nope my belly took up all the room it could.

You couldn't tell but she was nervous. :)

Thankfully we were able to convince her daddy to take off his darn blue tooth.

Gorgeous.

They did a great job picking the color blue.

Picture perfect.

Not only was it an honor to be asked but I had the best seat in the house. As my brother recited his vows I could see how much he truly loves Nikita.

They make a wonderful couple & compliment each other really well. It's fun to see people you're close to grow not only as individuals but as a couple.

First dance

The Power Of Love by Celine Dion

I bawled like a baby. Now when I hear this song I get teary eyed.

Paul was nice enough to step in as Galvan's girlfriend (who couldn't make it).

Cameron started moving around. He wanted all eyes on the belly.

Handsome

For fun, we gave them big balla' cups that said Bride & Groom in Rhinestones.

Aunt Rachel kept her cup up for about 5 mins after the toast. hee hee

The Army has made him too serious.

My beautiful grandma

Before

After.

They weren't very nice. ;)

Jeremy put in a special request for Paul & Ramirez to battle in a dance off.

I don't know what's more funnier (yes that's a word).

That they did it or that Jeremy requested it. Either way it got the party started!

It all happened to fast I didn't get a shot of Paul pretending to pee like a dog on Ramirez's leg.

After the wedding we headed to the strip. I've never watched the Bellagio water show. It's actually pretty nice. :)

We saw this......

But the store was closed & I couldn't get it for Cameron. :(
Next time...

My snuggler

If you know me, then you know that the word love doesn't begin to describe how I feel about my dogs.


So when they take over our social skills (it's horrible when you know the names of other dogs & refer to the owners as "Max's mom"), want a Kong or need their bellies rubbed it's no surprise that they go to their mommy.


Oscar was the first addition to our family & he took full advantage (still does). The first night with us Paul let him on the bed. Little did he know that Oscar would find himself right at home in the middle of us, under the covers, laying sideways & any other position that pleased him. :/


He's a great snuggler & when I bought my snoogle pillow I didn't realize I'd have to fight for it.

Kat these pics are for you.

Then a few hours later he found himself back comfortably......in my pillow. :/

Disclaimer: We were washing our sheets & pillow cases.....we don't go for the hospital look.

Good times, good times

Even through the stress of moving, packing & mentally preparing for what's to come with the baby & our move out of state it helps to reflect on how I've been very blessed these last few weeks.

September 17th I received a text message from my sister in law Nikita:

He came home early this morning!!!!

My brother Jeremy was finally home. We weren't expecting him until the 27th so this was an awesome surprise. This was his second tour of Iraq & I still can't comprehend how he made it mentally through his first. I've heard & watched documentaries on soldiers who come back not quite the "same" & deal with drinking & drug addictions to fight off the stress of being over seas.

I didn't know what to expect the first time he made it home but after a few days back into the states I finally got to talk & see him. He seemed ok. Not 100% ok but ok in the sense that he wasn't picking up a bottle or pills. He talked a lot. About what he saw, what he did & had to do. The stories seem to horrific to be real but they were & here my (at the time) 19 year old brother was retelling everything he went through.

Now back from his second tour he's changed.......but honestly for the better. He seems more mature, more sure of himself & not afraid to crack a smile or joke around. :)

Nikita set up a surprise welcome home party for that Saturday but he found out the night before. :( Oh well, I'm sure it was still a nice surprise that she put the time & thought into putting everything together.

As we drove onto the base we were flooded with welcome home banners.

Since Jeremy found out that people were coming over he bought a grill & Bar-B-Que chicken, ribs & veggie dogs for me. :) They were delicious!

It was nice to catch up with each other & just spend quality time. Quality time meaning kicking ass in Pictionary. Seriously, who draws a broom that looks like it was made out of hot dog links?

Nikita & Jeremy will be renewing their vows later this month. My cousin Joseph who joined the Army last year was on his first tour in Iraq. He surprised everybody by coming home early to celebrate his 21st b-day in the states & be a part of the wedding. :)

Happy thoughts all around.

Don't forget me :(

This past weekend we drove out to Arizona. I've never been to Mesa & to be honest the only experience I've had with Arizona is Quartzite. Omg we all know how much I LOVE that place.

So needless to say I wasn't expecting too much. I tried not to expect anything so I wouldn't be too disappointed. I am definitely the pessimistic one in our relationship & even though I love Paul sometimes his "everything is sugar & spice & will work out in the end" speeches get a bit old. Especially when I'd rather wallow in self pity.

So early Saturday morning we got up, dressed, packed & kissed the poochies good-bye & told them to wish us luck. I think they might have wished more for themselves because what can I say? Arizona was pretty awesome.

On the drive there we saw a lot of this:

Now you can only play count the cactus for so long. :/

Thankfully the drive wasn't that bad. I drove from Cali to Quartzite & Paul drove the rest of the way (only 4 1/2 hrs. total, not too shabby). As soon as he hit civilization I noticed one thing right off the bat.

The freeway was bare....bare & free of any tagging!

I really wish I took pics but believe me I looked. Nothing on the ramps, street lights, stop signs....nothing. I didn't want to jinx anything so just kept an eye out. Little did I know Paul was noticing the same thing. If there's anything I hate is the awful look & aura of tagging. It's pointless & a disturbing reminder that there's a bunch of dumb asses in the area.

As we drove further into Az I noticed that the traffic was a lot calmer. There were cars on the road but no one was in a hurry, cutting in & out of lanes or riding our ass.

So far so good.

The city we'll be working out of is Mesa but we looked in the city of Gilbert (two exits away) for a place to live. As soon as we exited Power Rd. into Gilbert we were warmly welcomed by a huge sign glowing Super Target. If you know me, you know my love for Target. There was a grand opening for a 76 gas station. Full of free food, drinks, snacks, a jumper & a wall for rock climbing set up for kids to run around & play.

Just as I was settling down & getting rid of some anxiety the real pressure started.

Apartment hunting. BLAH! So after the first place I was already burnt (we arrived close to 1pm) & wanted to grab a bite to eat. New York Pizza Dept. was highly recommended & not a far drive so we headed out.

Cute right?

As soon as we went inside I noticed only one other family eating there. Maybe, they don't pick up until late afternoon? So I went to the bathroom to wash up & I'm not sure what hit me but I realized that this is it. When we go out to eat it's just going to be Paul & I. My aunt won't be waiting or meeting us anywhere. I won't be able to solve the child menu puzzles with my cousins & I can't grab sushi with Diana every time I'm sad.

I thought I was fine but reality hitting me out of nowhere really shook things.

So, I walked back to our table, sat down & cried. Paul held me & just reminded me of all the opportunities moving would give us & Cameron. I know he's right. I know this is the right thing to do. But moving still hurts my heart.

Before leaving the waitress gave us a welcome packet.

It was full of goodies. Menu, coupons & free dessert voucher. I don't know if she felt bad for us or was just truly nice but it did put a better light on the situation.

We went to a few more places. I didn't love any of them. Paul was still stuck on the first place which I liked but didn't love. Before leaving to Az I googled dog parks in Az & found Cosmo Park.

Wow! It was better than we imagined.

Full of dogs (most dog parks that we've been to have 5 or less) it had a man made lake for dogs to swim in or play fetch. There was even a ramp so the dogs could run off of it & jump into the water.
Obstacles through out the park to run over, under & through.

I couldn't help but get excited & look forward to bringing Oscar & Sadie back.


An Amphitheatre. Paul already envisioned Shakespeare being played. :)

There was even a kid area which I'm sure we'll visit plenty with Cameron.

To top it all off the restrooms were sparkling clean with no tagging! As you can see this "no tagging" feature is huge with me. When I asked an employee at one of the apt. complexes if they have somebody come out & paint over tagging she replied with, "what's tagging?" I had to explain that it's graffiti. She said, "we don't have that problem in Az." Music to my ears. Now I'm not naive. I'm sure it's somewhere but in the full two days we were there I didn't see it once.

But it's nice to know that if I do see some at Cosmo park there's a number I can call.

Oh, & I will. :)

We finally found (the last place we visited before heading home) an apt. I LOVE in an area that compliments our needs. But I'll save the stories & pics for another post.