6 months & 2 days

It's still so surreal that:

~I have a human being living & growing inside of me.

~~Paul & I are going to be parents the end of this year or beginning of next.

~~~Cameron will be born in AZ like his daddy.

~~~~Bill won't be here physically to meet Cameron.

~~~~~We were so blessed to not have to worry about TTC (trying to conceive).

I'm very aware that getting pregnant isn't so easy. With closely knowing couples that were going through heartache TTC that I felt guilty spreading the news that we were expecting. After announcing to family/friends that I had never known to have problems revealed stories of children they lost or TTC woes that it made me again so thankful for my Cameron.

I always thought that I would never be ready to have children. My past is full of issues revolving my non-exist father & mother who treated me more like a mother figure than a daughter. That I had a fear of never being "good enough" for my future children.

I always joked that we would wait to have kids when I was ready but truly never knew when that day would come. Even while taking our vows our pastor (Uncle Jeff) had Paul recite "mother of my children" & I flashed & mouthed the #2 to our friends. The topic was always touchy with me but I never ever, ever said NO to having kids. I always said, "When GOD wants us to have kids.....we will."

Back in March I started feeling moody, tired & the pushing point was a flutter feeling in my abdomen. I went to the Dr. & explained my symptoms. He first ran a urine pregnancy test.

Negative.

I remember how insistent he was that the test was wrong I just "had" to be pregnant. So they drew my blood & tested for pregnancy. The results would be in a couple of days later.

A COUPLE OF DAY?! Within those couple of days I stalked baby boards & googled my symptoms. I kept reading "you could be pregnant if" over & over. Was I? I could have screamed from the wait then to top it off the day the results were suppose to come in......they didn't. :/ wtf? So instead of waiting around I called a friend & we met up for dinner......after dinner we picked up a home pregnancy test.

The plan was to do it in the store but I couldn't bring myself to find out whether I was preggo in Target. I love you Target but uh, no.

So I started driving home. Before going inside I wrote inside a card I bought for Paul saying how much I love him & that no matter what we went through in life I couldn't see a better person standing by my side than him(he didn't know I had the at home test or that the Dr. thought I was pregnant).

So I went inside, peed on the stick........negative.

That was a moment in life I'll forget. Visions of us having a baby quickly vanished & were instead replaced with "what does this mean? does this mean we can't have kids?" Within in those few days I would catch myself smiling at the thought of us being parents & I knew with what was a thought I'd push far back into my mind a vision that I had a taste of what could be & wanted to make it into a reality.

I still gave him the card & told him about the Dr's visit. I cried & he held me all while reminding me that we'll have children soon just not so soon. The next day I went in to see the Dr. only to hear the blood work was negative. I still cry when thinking of that moment. My Dr. suggested that my birth control (Nuva ring) had too much estrogen for my body & wanted to take me off for a month. I've been on birth control since the age of 19 so he suggested we use condoms so my body could "rest".

The symptoms went away & we went on with life.

~Traded in my truck for a more an 08 Toyota Matrix. It was more family friendly & better on gas so the decision seemed reasonable.

~~I traded in my long locks for a short bob.

~~~Started running daily & climbing the trail by our house (in hopes to participate in a marathon).

Then the symptoms started again. This time felt worse. I thought that I was low on protein (which, if you're a vegetarian people will explain that you need to eat meat for protein & that if you don't you'll get sick). Holy crap they were right! So, I started mixing protein power w/my smoothies, snacking on protein bars & ate beans. BLECH. :P Finally, I was so tired daily that Paul started to worry & I made a Dr's appt. I saw my female Dr. Zapht. I love her. She's always so sweet & full of knowledge. She's also a veggie head so when I told her my concern she said that I was getting enough protein but I might be anemic. First she wanted to start with a pregnancy test. I didn't put any thought into the test. I peed in the cup & went back to the patient room. If the thought tried to sneak into my head I would push it away. The wait was only a couple of minutes but I was already falling to sleep. Literally. When the Dr. walked inside the room I was in a bit of a daze. She was all smiles & said, "well we know why you've been feeling this way." Being half asleep I said, "Oh good! What is it?"

I was pregnant.

In between sobs I kept repeating, "Paul is going to be so happy". I was shaking & couldn't believe something that I thought was so far out of my reach was now my beautiful reality.

My pregnancy so far hasn't been too rocky. I was tired in the beginning but that passed. I broke out in really bad eczema, that passed as well. Now, it's more about Cameron & picturing his beautiful face, waiting to hear his laugh & show him the world.

So now here we are, 6 months & 2 days later.